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it's all just bricks in the wall. - me little thingie

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February 8th, 2010

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08:31 pm - it's all just bricks in the wall.
Sometimes something has to happen in your life that makes you sit back and wonder just exactly how you got here. What events led up to my life being precisely the way it is at this exact moment? Could it be that I have a sick child? (Whom doctors say is basically fine.) Could it be the stresses of being a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an employee, etc...? The list could go on and on. I'm not sure what exactly led up to my mind being at it's breaking point, but I'm there, and I don't like it.

I've always been a cutter. I've cut myself for as long as I can remember. Fight with mom or dad? Cut myself. Fight with boyfriend? Cut myself. Listening to the wrong song at the wrong time? Cut myself. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that is beyond my control. I can't help it. I enjoy it. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel whole again.

I hadn't cut for almost a year, but then something happened; I'm not sure what, and I found myself with ole' faithful again. We sat together in the bathroom, and I realized what I had been missing for so long. An enormous wave of relief washed over me and I knew I was home. I know this sounds crazy, and only a cutter can understand what it feels like to be able to cut. I'm not glamorizing it by any means, just stating a fact for myself.

So I cut. I cut for a while. I cut until I knew I would start becoming suspicious. I tried to think of Madison and Elliott while I was doing it - just to make myself stop; but I couldn't stop. It had been to long and I needed it so much. I had promised myself when I found out that I was pregnant with Madison that I would stop... and I did...

But I felt like Dr. House. At the end of every show he gets this amazing feeling washing over him when he realizes he's solved the medical mystery. That's me. That was my look of amazement when I realized what I had been missing.

I miss being "normal." I miss not being scarred. 17 years is more than half my life. More than half my life that has been devoted to destroying my life. I'm not sure if I can give that up now...

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[User Picture]
Date:February 9th, 2010 05:28 pm (UTC)
::hug:: don't know if it will do much good, but an old friend is thinking about you and hoping that you can find the strength to stop - for yourself mainly, but also for your children, husband, family, and friends. i think the fact that you can verbalize (literize it???)what is going on in your life right now has to be a good step - keep it up and i promise to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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